Creative Means
by The Bud
Summary: XMen using they're powers in strangely normaly abnormal ways. Small part for the guy who wanted to see Logan on Scott, and one for metalicbooger.
1. Chapter 1

Do any of you watch "Adult Swim"? Has anybody else noticed Deathkloc's lead singer looks a little much like Wolverine? Just funny to see, anyways, along to the disclaimer; I swear that I don't make a cent off these stories, which is a shame, because I could use the dough.

Creative Means.

I always taught my students to use their powers in a responsible manner, but sometimes I wonder how well that lesson has stuck.

Cyclops.

"Where is that can of pork and beans?" Scott Summers thinks to himself. He knows his wife, Emma, despises such common foodstuffs. He also knows that she checks every known hiding place of his for those abhorred cans of mush, and gives them to Iceman. As to what Iceman does with them, pray tell no one knows. Secretly, Scott knows that the white blob of fat in the can freaks Emma out, particularly after seeing what a mucus plug looks like. He finds one can left, hidden away under the lid of the toilet tank. "Ah Ha! She'll never suspect." He cries as he look around to make certain that Emma has left to enjoy a day of shopping with the girls; The left one and the right one, respectively. But Emma does suspect, all night long, every time she lifts the covers. "Crud!" Cyclops utters as he finds that his wife has hidden the can opener on him. Then he gets the bright idea of needling his optic blasts to a fine point, He's seen Gambit do about the same with his power, heating the beans until the lid pops open and the beans are hot and ready to eat. But what he never noticed was that Gambit always carries a knife with him and vents the lid.

So, Scott fine tines his beams and soon the can is bulging and making an odd sound. Soon, Scott knows something has gone wrong and he stops heating the can, all too late. The can and contents burst all over Emma's new bathroom wallpaper. Rather than start scrubbing, Scott gets another idea.

Iceman

Bobby Drake was quietly freezing individual beans from a can that Emma Frost had thrown at him. "She was a pretty good throw for being a sissy girl." Bobby thought to himself as he flicked the half frozen bean unto Beasts blue fur and then solidifying it there. He'd been doing this for hours, unbeknown to Beast and he was almost tired enough of it to stop, but still bemused that Beast kept swatting away the imaginary flies enough to finish the can. Suddenly, Scott Summers, Emma's husband, came down to Beast's lab and whispered something in his ear and the two left. "I knew it." Beast said as he continued his work. "O.K, So, you're telling me I get to freeze beans off "Perfect" Emma's wallpaper?" Iceman gleefully screeched, almost in a giddy tone. "Sweet!" Scott looked at his watch worriedly. "Yes, just do it quick." He said nervously. Iceman went to work right away, laughing almost insanely as the beans did indeed chip off and land on the floor. Scott grabbed a broom and swept it up, but soon, the terrorizing fact that glue becomes brittle when frozen set in as the wallpaper slumped to the ground. But never fear! Bobby and Scott had another brilliant plan.

Toad.

Toad was just minding his own beeswax in a pub outside of Salem, New York, when two men grabbed him, paid his tab, and shoved him into an ugly car. "Do you think the Professor will demerit us for using Cerebro to find him?" Toad overheard a voice say before the two men started laughing outrageously. "You can't do this to me! This is false imprisonment and kidnapping!" Toad yelled out. One of the men shouted back, "Do what we say and we'll give you whatever you want!" Even Toad knows that sounds a little backwards. "Doesn't that sound a little backwards?" He asked as he started thinking of things he wanted. Somewhere on that list was a decent haircut. "What do you want?" He asked suspiciously. "We want you to help put up wallpaper." The two men said "That's all?" he asked incredulously " That's it? Is that Iceman up there? Wallpaper had better not be code for something else!" As they get to the mansion and haul Toad to the offending room, he sees what they mean. "Oh… Wallpaper. Why does it smell like pork and beans in here?" He asks as he looks at his captors. "Long story, now start licking before we have you as an intruder and make Wolverine give you a haircut in all the wrong places." So, Toad starts licking and soon the room looks just like new, but still smells like beans. "Now, as to what I want." Toad started, but Psylocke, who'd been called in earlier, mind wiped him and soon he was back in the bar, waking up and claiming he felt like he was licking wallpaper and eating frank and beans. "I knew it!" The Scarlet Witch had said as she collected him to go home.

The White Queen.

Emma Frost could not be called a patient woman, nor could she really be called terribly bright, but she is clever, and she is manipulative, which almost counts as much. She knew Scott had done something, but she didn't know what. She knew he'd been having dreams about when he walked in on Jean and Logan and sometimes fantasized that She, Jean and Scott were all involved in a tangle, with Logan having to sit out and watch. She also knew that her new bathroom smelled like those horrible frank and beans and spit, lots of spit. Spit reeking of whisky and lager, with a slight undertone of olives. Because he wouldn't tell her what he'd done and he'd had some telepath cover it up, she decided to get that information one way or another. Scott was sleeping peacefully, mumbling the words to a "Danny Boy" Irish drinking song when she starts to enter his mind. "Hey there, Slim." He hears Jean's voice purr over him. "What's a big boy like you doing sleeping all alone, hmmn? Wouldn't you like some company?" She asks, nibbling on his ear. "I sure would, Red." He hums back. "I hope you don't mind, I've brought some body to join us." She say's as she runs her lips over his chest. "Mmmn… Blonde, Brunette or Red head?" He asks, enjoying the attention. "Brunette. You get to go first." She says as she moves off his chest. "What will Emma say?" He questions. "She won't mind, she suggested this." The figment Jean giggles. "Hey bub, What's up?" dream Logan says as he comes in, shirt undone and undoing his belt buckle. "You wanna catch? I ain't that big on it, but I'll be gentle enough not to dislodge that stick up your…"

"Noooo!" Scott screams as he wakes up. I'll tell you everything! Everything! Just don't ever do that again!" He starts pleading as he sits up. "That's a good little Scott." Emma says as she listens to his whole story.

Wolverine.

Logan to some, James Howlett to the Canadian government, has a wonderful ability that any frat boy would love to have. He's on his twelfth beer and he's not even tipsy. He's bet some twenty something that he can drink him under the table. The looser coughs up a hundred bucks and pays the tab. This has got to be one of the easiest hundred he's ever made and a night of free drinks to boot. The kid is out at eleven and Logan takes his hundred from the guy's drunk friends and heads out to another bar to hustle some other shmoe out of another hundred or so. He gets on his bike and is almost immediately pulled over and given a breath test. "Sir," The officer says looking at him strangely. " According to this, you should be dead." Logan tries not to laugh. "Do I look dead to you?" He even manages to recite the alpha bet backwards as he notices Scott and Bobby pushing Toad out of Scott's car. He looks at his watch and sees it's only 10:30. "This aught to be interesting." He thinks to himself as his short attention span has him get back on his bike and follow. "Sir! I'm not done with you! Sir!" The officer calls out as he gets on his radio and calls runner. Soon, the whole Salem police force is after Logan, about three cars. But they all forget what they were doing as Jean Grey wipes their minds into thinking that they're just going out on vice. All four Salem cops dress like pimps and hookers and try to pin something on Bishop, who's just in town for the Lager fest. Later that night, Logan can't shake a queasy feeling about Scott, but decides to drink it away with Jean, who can drink more than any young punk, and gets wild when tipsy.

More Later.


	2. Chapter 2

Complete disclaimer: I don't own this, nor do I make money from it. I just like to annoy you and make you think I'm crazy.

And Yet, Even More Creative Means.

Phoenix.

Jean Grey is an attractive woman, quite particularly bright. She's a mother hen really, with an amazing body to boot. Jean Grey just has one major flaw, as do many woman and several odd men, She likes figure skating.

When she was a child, she loved to ice skate, and may at one time, when she was very young, and the world was new and not so complicated, had thought herself good enough to be an Olympic figure skater. Her parents never did discourage her as her mother secretly feared her, she had the grace. However, clothing design caught her fancy, and skating fell by the way side.

She still enjoys watching, as do many of the other women in the old house on Greymalkin lane.

"Hey! We were watching that!" Several women and Warren, protest as Scott and Wolverine teaming up to watch hockey.

"Not no more!" Logan replies using his terrible English skills as he flips to the game. "Go Red Wings!"

"Aren't you supposed to root for the Canadians?" Scott asks.

"I wasn't cheering for the team. Emma's on the rag." Logan belches as he drinks his fifth Bud.

"That's it! I'm out of here!" About three of the other girls said as they left. But what Scott and Logan did not know was that Jean had obfuscated their minds into thinking that they were watching the game. Soon, they were hooting and hollering whenever someone landed a triple axel. Everyone still on the mansion grounds came by and had to see big, bad, Wolverine and stick in the mud, Scott, body checking each other over somebody catching five stars.

Jean had even managed to get Logan to think that he was drinking beer, when he had in fact been drinking tomato juice. After a while, she grew bored and, while they thought they were eating popcorn, chips and miniature candy bars, and getting stupid drunk, Scott and Logan were in fact, reenacting "Gone With The Wind."

When Rogue saw this, she ran out of the room mourning for the south, which Jean couldn't stand to see her cry, so she made Rogue, Scarlet. This turned out to be a bad idea as Rogue could not control her powers, and Jean was too drunk to remember because all those beers that Logan thought he was drinking had to go somewhere.

This was in particular, not a good thing because Scott didn't know "Nothing about birthing no babies." Then, Gambit; who had no idea what was going on, kicked the crap out of him because he just lost three hundred dollars on a stupid hockey game to him.

"Dat will teach you to gamble illegally!" Gambit said as he sat down to watch the rest of figure skating and helped Jean drink all that beer.

Rogue.

Marie is a beautiful girl, with an odd choice of hairstyle. She has a gift, a curse really, but for some means, a gift. She absorbs people, not their bodies, but their minds, memories, emotions, personalities and the like. In memories, lay the home of secrets. When she touches a body, and body, those secrets become her secrets. She uses what she knows to get what she wants.

"Give me fifty dollars, or I'll tell Alex what you have in your pillowcase, Bobby." She playfully threatens her teammate.

"My pillow?" He says, trying to play it cool.

"No. The other thing, from the Christmas party." She coyly say's as he knows he's cornered now.

"I don't have fifty, but I do have a sack of chocolate I stole from Beast!" He pleads "I'll do anything! Just don't rat me out!"

"That will do. And Bobby, hide your diary." She warns.

"It's a journal!" He shouts back.

What Rogue did not know was that Bobby had acquired another can of Pork and Beans from Emma, and had lodged the fat piece firmly in Marie's hair.

Walking down the browned wood halls of the Xavier institute, and eating candy, Rogue accidentally brushes against Beast's shoulder and picks up another of his memories, and blue fur. Unfortunately, His memory is of her at Kitty's Hanukkah party and he knows she knows that he's always known.

"Alright. What do you want?" She says as she starts thinking of ways to use Beast's acrobatic prowess against him.

"A lemon meringue pie a day until the even." Beast demands. "And that candy."

"Fine. It's yours anyway." She tells him in that sultry southern drawl before she touches him again, gains his dexterity and steals the candy back, bounding down the hall. She is on her way to see what she can get out of Jean, to get the Lemon meringue pie, and she thinks she knows just what she can use.

"I'll tell Logan what I know, if you don't agree to make those pies." She informs the still drunk Jean as she sits watching the figure skating. Those competitions last longer than presidential debates on a Saturday morning.

"You're such a pretty girl! Isn't she a pretty girl?" Jean turns to talk to the wasted Gambit next to her. "I just want to touch your face! And she does.

Rogue, however keeps the thought in her head that Jean promised to make those pies anyway. So when Jean touches her, while transferring her power to Rogue, gets a double shot of that thought, and gets compelled to make pies. Lots of pies, so many pies that the freezers will be full of them for months, thus keeping Beast off Rogues back.

"I forgot! I promised you pie! Just let me wake up and do it!" Jean slurred as she tried to stand up and fell over Logan's sleeping body. "Hey! Look! A little person!" She cried out as she started to laugh hysterically drinking some more.

Marie, still having Jean's T.K. at her command decided to make Gambit come out to the world. Not that he was like that, was being the operative word here, but it was funny anyways. Seriously, who wears pink and blue voluntarily?

And how did this help Nightcrawler? No one had to know about the Hanukkah party, so nobody knew he was spying on the girls workouts, Except Psylocke, who gave him a show. That's for another chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own this and please don't sue. You cannot get blood from a turnip.

And Yet, Even More Creative Means.

Remy LeBeau.

Remy LeBeau, Also known as Gambit to the rest of the superhero and villain worlds, is a man much brighter than he lets on. How he got his smarts and the grace not to flaunt it from his bloodline is a complete mystery. Perhaps, the one thing, other than proper English, that he's not capable of, is math. Once he gets past eleven, numbers are futile. However, having very little to do with this story, we should progress from this subject.

Gambit learned pretty early on that Cyclops, because of his red glasses, has a hard time seeing orange and lighter red objects, and thus wouldn't be able to see the hunters knife Gambit uses to skin animals all too well. Remy also learned that he could heat cans of food up with his powers, when the can is vented. Cyclops was very impressed by the can heating ability, but because of his color blindness, never noticed the hunting knife and blew up pork and beans in his bathroom and ended up with Emma implanting a naughty dream about Wolverine in his head.

"I wonder what I could do with this?" He tells himself as he tries on a pair of Cyclops' glasses and charges a card. As He suspects, he could not see the red heat radiating off the card, and in his costume made of unstable molecules, could not feel the heat coming off the card and decided, he had a new game better than any of Iceman's freezing games, although the one about which body part will I freeze was great, how Cyclops ever produced children could never be explained, unless Beast had something to do with it, and for that, must die.

"Hey Scott!" Gambit jubilantly calls out. "I got s'mthin ta show ya!"

"What is it, Gambit? I'm tired and Alex has to be fed!" Scott grumpily replies as he walked over from the other room.

"Is dis card lit, or unlit?" Gambit slyly asks as he watched what he could of Scott's expression.

"Crap! How long have you known?" Scott enquires as he backs out of the room.

"Just as I thought. Now you go feed Alex, And I'll figure out how I'm having fun wi' dis." Gambit waves him away, grinning evilly. "And Scott, Emma really should be de one breast feeding. Wi'chou… It just sick."

"I'll get you for that!" Scott called out while he ran.

Later that Month.

Just as Scott stops carrying around one of his kids for protection, and had thought Gambit's ADHD had prevented his remembering the card trick, he spots Gambit, sitting on the couch, drunk again, watching hockey. "Dis not a bad sport!" Gambit calls out, waving his can of domestic.

"Well, It's not, but you are due for training in five minutes, and if you are late, again, I'll assign you to Beast for a month." Scott says as he displays his authority.

"Ah,m not a student, Scott. You can't really tell me what to do." Gambit drawls lazily.

"This is your teacher training, idiot." Scott tells him as he tips the couch over. "You asked to be the French dialect teacher. Jean is waiting to coach you."

"She done making pie?" Gambit says before asking "Is dis potato chip lit, or not? Ah'd thought we'd play "Guess Which Body Part" like brothers should."

"Put the chip down, Remy. We can discuss this as adults!" Scott backs away as he always hates being the receiving end of the game. "I know that Emma just hit a deer! I'll get Jean drunk and you can get the deer and…"

But his beautiful words about deerskin go unheeded for about three minutes before the words sink in and Gambit stops throwing chips at Scott's infected big toe.

"A deer you say." Remy perks up. "Second one dis week!" He runs off to get the new deer and the possible skunk that died eating his cooking from the trash can, but not before lighting a few more chips up and popping them at Scott, who screams like a little girl while about a dozen students walked by.

"Keep gawking at me and I'll demerit you each ten points and make you cook with Gambit." He snaps as he regains his composure in burnt socks.

"Wrong book, dick head." Wolverine's favorite student barks back as she heads to class.

Gambit, then returned, remembering his teaching class, and thought that a deer out in the sun an hour would be easier to process.

"I forgot." He says sheepishly as he lit up a lighter. "Dis aught to be fun!" He screeches giddily as he hurled it at Scott's private area.

Scott forgot that he was wearing his costume and passed out from the sheer anticipation of being horribly burned and thus unable to make more Emotts.

"I just leave him like that." Gambit thinks as he heads off to learn to deal with teenage attitudes.

Later, emerging from his training, Gambit is frightened of every child and young adult here.

"You stay away from me!" He scream as children pass him by, running and tripping over Scott's drawn on body. One or all of the students have completely covered him in permanent marker tattoos and suddenly the whole Eric the Red thing makes sense.

More later.

Moral of the story, Don't pass out near people with markers, it's just too much of a temptation.


	4. Chapter 4

Like you gotta hear this again? I don't own this, not sure who does anymore, but it ain't me.

And Yet, Even More Creative Means.

Beast.

Dr. Henry McCoy is a very smart man, and often times, very bored with his intellectually stunted and often drunk team mates. Upon noticing that some force, probably a drunk Jean, ok, most positively a drunk Jean as there is a mound of cans and figure skating on and the fact she's in the kitchen making pie and laughing insanely about little people, had knocked Logan out for the count, Beast got an idea. He picked Logan's passed out form, really quite heavy for someone his size and asks Jean to keep him knocked out, which of course she only wanted to "pet the puppy". Since she's the closest thing to smart in this house when she's not spilling lemons on the floor, tipping up a bottle of Cuervo and then falling on said lemons, he obliged. Jean however did put Logan back to sleep so that the baby wouldn't fuss, whatever that meant, and Beast headed to his lab. Upon reaching his lab, he cleaned and sterilized Logan's firm, hairy backside as he began to cut away. He knew that the cleaning and sterilizing was a waste of time, as Logan's healing factor would have taken care of both the infections and the missing rear. He'd done this before and it's always funny watching Logan complain something doesn't feel right as he scratches himself the rest of the night. This time, he had plans for the purloined glutei's.

Logan

Logan, James, Patch, Wolverine, Weapon X, Jimmie, Death, Wolvie and by Jean, "Oh Shit! Oh Damn!" Is smarter than he let on, even though he couldn't prove that the hairy pair of cheeks left in Rouges bed and later the kitchen counter were his, he knew is butt itches. He knew Gambit owed him over a hockey game and he knew something wasn't right with Scott the way he was using his kids as human shields and smelled like pork and beans, but everybody knew that. He'd already picked Jean up and took her home, had angry redhead sex, as well had cleaned up the mess in the common room. He couldn't remember drinking this much, but was damn glad to have a healing factor, and for some reason wanted to punch the next person who sounded southern, which as luck would have it, was Gambit eating Jean's drunk pie. "Dis not so bad! Your wife should get stupid drunk mo' often!" Gambit said as Wolverine hauled off and BAM! Now Gambit was passed out on the floor as Logan left a marker by his prone body. He thought the butt cheeks were a funny idea, so funny that when he told people to "Kiss his hairy ass" he could hand it over to them. So he decided to see if he could do it himself. He thought Rouge was going shopping with Storm, so her shower, the biggest one on this floor would do well, but he wasn't awake when she had touched Beast. She wasn't going anywhere that unshaved. Upon reaching her room, he headed to her shower and proceeded to see whether he could cut it off, which proved to be horrifically painful. He didn't get far before Rouge walked in her bathroom seeing Logan in that kind of position. "I knew it!" she shrieked as Beast walked by and bounded off quietly and Logan was handed is ass twice. The pair from the counter and the one still attached.

Morel of the story, don't eat pie that doesn't belong to you.


End file.
